There is nothing wrong with you

Cheri Huber (CheriHuber.com) wrote the best book I ever read about self-hatred, entitled There is Nothing Wrong with You. She walks the reader through the recesses of the mind and how it endlessly tries to control outside circumstances by blaming and criticizing the self.

What if there was nothing wrong with you? Nothing that needed to be changed: no weight to be lost or gained, no pathology that had to be eradicated (or covered up), no character defect or personality flaw that needed to be overcome? How would that change your life? What would you do with your free time?

Katie Hendricks (Hendricks.com) talks about moving away from the idea that your life is an ongoing self-improvement project. She recommends that, instead of putting our attention on what is wrong with us, we focus on what we are becoming. Our attention can then be placed on the much more fun question of "what wants to happen?" and how to be a full participant in life.

There is no evidence that judging, criticizing, ridiculing, humiliating, badgering or tormenting ourselves (or anyone else) leads to anything like actual change. What these actions are very effective at is creating a sense of collapse, resignation, and helplessness--which can give us a reason to engage in those very behaviors that we judged to begin with. 

The antidote to self-hatred? Taking a good, deep breath and conjuring up the feeling of someone or something you love. Instantly, you create the space of true potential and possibility, the field where anything can happen.

If you loved me...

Have you thought this?

If you loved me, you would

• bring me flowers
• appreciate me more
• call/text/email me
• consider my feelings
• be more thoughtful
• not use that tone
• use the other tone, the nice, kind one
• look into my eyes
• stop staring at me
• want to be sexual
• let me decide when to be sexual
• let me sleep
• wake me up
• give me space
• get close to me
• tune into what I'm really saying
• let me be a jerk sometimes
• not be so nice to me when I'm I'm being a jerk
• tell me the truth
• ...except about THAT
• fill in your list:

How do we end up connecting being loved with this long list of behaviors that we expect from our intimate others?

I LOVE YOU is an action. At a particular moment I create the vibration of love, and then decide to send it your way. That action has nothing to do with what you are currently doing, or did or didn't do. It's my choice, and I can do it anytime, anywhere. Expecting this particular action to be in any way connected to whatever else is happening is like trying to twist together smelling the spring fragrance of lilacs with standing on one's head or dancing a jig. There is no connection, and trying to link them can look foolish.

Want to know if I'm loving you?

Ask.